I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
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I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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