Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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