A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
