I'm going to jail i love you
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
