we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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