one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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