listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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