I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
