Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
