I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
