I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
