i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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