ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
