i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The best revenge is premature balding
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
