you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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