Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
