Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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