I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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