either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
