last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
