I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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