So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
