so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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