between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
