Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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