Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
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