How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
