tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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