I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
