Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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