Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
