Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
