I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
