I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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