Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
