i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You took a bar mat shot.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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