um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have feelings that need drinking.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
