Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
