I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
