Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
