I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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