If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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