and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
