My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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