Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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