That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
