just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
