my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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