i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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