My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
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Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
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You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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