apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
