Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
