What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
