no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just gift wrapped bread.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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