I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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