and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
