Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
