Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
