You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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