Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
