we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
