So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
