how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
