After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
