Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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